Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Carl Crawford: Double Agent
I bet Theo Epstein thinks things are all sunshine and lollipops in Boston now, but he doesn't realize what I've found out. Through something we in the business call "investigative journalism", I've discovered that Carl Crawford really did want to join the Angels, but he, Torri Hunter and Arte Moreno had a better idea than just throwing all this money at Crawford. They hatched up a plan to sabotage the Red Sox, and what better way to do that than have an Agent on the inside?!
It will start out minor. Crawford will pull little "pranks" on fellow "teammates", like hiding jock straps, putting Josh Beckett's Glove in Jell-o, crank-calling Curt Schilling's radio show, and putting itching powder in Varitek's socks. From April to May, it will just be minor inconveniences... but when the season really starts rolling, thats when the double crossing really begins.
A big four-game set against the Yankees in Fenway? Oh, bummer, John Lackey, I wonder how the Feds finally found out about all the lewd images of children on your hard-drive! An important series against the Twins? I have no idea how Adrian Gonzalez caught such an awful case of herpes...
If through all of his evil plots, the Red Sox still manage to make the postseason, Crawford will unveil the final stage in his plan. Miserable play. He will strike out looking every at bat. He will miss every catch in the outfield, and even sabotage his "teammates" from the on-deck circle. "I have no idea how the bat just slipped out of my hands... I hope Pedroia is ok..." The Red Sox will finally become wise after having been swept by the Tigers in the first round. They will ask forgiveness from Crawford, as he has all the power in his multi-million dollar deal. He will simply say "Trade me, straight up, for Erick Aybar, and you only have to pay me half"
In 2011, Carl Crawford will become an Angel legend, in another uniform. God bless that man.