Thursday, April 28, 2011

Swagger Ratings 2: The Swag Strikes Back

Well, this was probably the most fun I've ever had writing this blog, its time to revisit the Angels Swagger Ratings. You may remember the epic post from last year, if you'd like to revisit it, go for it, but we are ready to dive head first into Swag.

Quick Reference Chart:
Swag rated on scale of 1-100.
Swag of 1: Kevin James

Swag of 50: Bob Ross

Swag of 100: Old Spice Guy

Lets get this show on the road!

Jeff Mathis - Listen dude, you look like you have really let yourself go since Mike Napoli was traded in the offseason. If they needed a body double for Shaggy in the next Scooby Doo movie, you'd be a shoo-in, unless they needed Shaggy to throw out a runner trying to steal second, that is... Rating: 15

Hank Conger - Don't change, little buddy. You were born in the Swagsville known as Huntington Beach, then you go and impress everyone enough to let Mike Napoli get traded, then you steal Mathis' job out from underneath him?! Swag dude, swag. Rating: 70

Bobby Wilson - Come to find out, you are still on the team, but you still love Step Brothers... Rating: 7

First Basemen:
Mark Trumbo - What happened, bro? You started out the season with so much swag. You hit bombs in batting practice, then go up there and play like a bigger version of Brandon Wood. You've got some time to recover while Kendrys Morales gets healthy, but dude... step up the Swag. Rating: 38

Kendrys Morales - Still hurt man? A true Monster of Swag would've recovered from this injury two days later, then continued to jump into the pile at home plate... like a boss... Rating: 27

Second Basemen:
Howie Kendrick - Dude reeks of swag, and is finally hitting to that limitless potential we all gave you. You walk up to the plate to 2Pac, but you still do those awful Howards ad's.... man, if you weren't "The Other Howard", you'd probably blow up the Swag-Meter. Rating: 89

Alexi Amarista - You only got here earlier in the week, but you are already setting the team on fire with your awesome play. Hell, it looks like you've already taken Trumbo's spot in the starting linuep. Good stuff bro, can't wait to see you more once we dump this clown Aybar. Rating: 68

Third Basemen:
Alberto Callaspo - Dude, considering we all left you for dead after you stunk getting here from Kansas City, you have recovered nicely. If you could just have a bit more swag out there, that'd be great... right now, you are kinda boring. How about this: Next time you hit a double, do the Rickey Henderson Home Run trot around first base! Yeah... monster swag! Rating: 46

Macier Izturis - You are hurt again bro?! Truly swagalicious individuals can take a couple of Advil with a Tequila chaser and do anything! Maybe you need some Tigers Blood, Brah! Rating: 43

Erick Aybar - That Vladimir Guerrero swag rub-off has faded, and now you are desperate to find someone elses swag to leech off of. Too bad Bobby Abreu doesn't have any left... or you'd have a chance. Also, only swagless dopes try to bunt every at-bat... Rating: 2

Torii Hunter - Man, bro... what happened?! You were the league leader in swag, and won like, 10 straight silver swagger awards! Now, you lead the league in grounding into double plays... like a chump! I think its time for some swaggy facial hair, or maybe some new walk-up music. Rating: 72

Vernon Wells - Listen, I understand the conversion rate between the Canadian Dollar and American Dollar is pretty similar, but let me tell you right now that the conversion rate between Canadian Swag and American Swag isnt... whatever flew in the great white north ain't gonna fly down here, broham. You need to step up your swag-game, or else we will ship you back up there for a couple cases of Labatt Blue and a Bryan Adams record. Rating: 36 (63 Canadian)

Peter Bourjos - Gorgeous Bourjos! Maybe the swaggiest position player we have, and you are doing it all in high socks! Rating: 95

Designated Hitter:
Bobby Abreu - You know, for being a designated "hitter" you sure do draw a ton of walks... thats not a very swagish way to get on base, Abroham Lincoln... I think you need to lay off the Cheesy Double Deckers, hit the gym (nothing swaggier than the Gym) and drop a few of those LB's... then go out there and showed them why you had enough swag to get away with having "Kelly" as a middle name! Rating: 38

Starting Pitching:
Jered Weaver - Dude, just... man... At this point, if the other team sees you on the mound, they should just head back to the team bus and go home. In a recent interview, Mr. Weaver was asked what he thought of his 6-0 record and 0.99 ERA, he said "It ain't no big thang...", then walked out of the locker room with two of the finest ladies you have ever seen. Rating: 104

Dan Haren - This guy... he had a sweet beard, then he goes and shaves it... Swag Soldiers dont respect that king of facial hair mutilation, Brohemian Rhapsody... Thats why they ain't gonna score you no runs till you grow it back, then shave a sweet design into the side of it... Rating: 82 (98 Pre-Shave)

Ervin Santana - Man, who cares about pitching well? You still have the sweetest chin strap beard this side of Dwight's cousin from The Office! Rating: 81

Tyler Chatwood - Yeah, you are off to a fine start... but you have to let yourself succumb to the swag, my friend. You go out there like you have stick up your butt, and its gonna catch up eventually. Rating: 13

Scott Kazmir - Not only do you pitch like you don't care about the swag, you look like you don't care about the swag. There is nothing do be done to save you at this point, Brogressive Rock. Rating: -3

Fernando Rodney - Another example where your diminishing talents don't let you stop being the most Swag-forward dude around. Just a thought, though: try wearing gold chains next time you pitch, see if anyone notices. Rating: 84

Jordan Walden - You've got the beard (and skills I guess) to go a long way in this league, sir. Just keep it fresh and you are set for life, son. Rating: 75

Scott Downs - Man... first you got hurt playing with your kids, now you've got a stomach virus?!?! So not swag, my friend. Rating: 27

Quick Ratings:
Reggie Willits - 32, Hisanori Takahashi - 26, Kevin Jepsen - 29, Trevor Bell - 12, Matt Palmer - 19, Rich Thompson - 56, Michael Kohn - 34.

Thats it for now, Swaglings... We will revisit this towards the end of the season, should anything be too different.


  1. "Old Spice Guy" = Isaiah Mustafa, a former NFL practice receiver and sometime actor.

  2. This post get's a swag score of 103, just a notch below Weaver.