Thursday, July 1, 2010

Angels = Swag-Monsta's?

Ok, the Angels lost last night to division rivals Texas. I could go into the details of how poorly Kazmir pitched (sadly only in the later innings), or how awesome Vlad was (and how he cemented his spot on the All-Star Team and in the Home Run Derby), but I'd rather go over a much more entertaining subject.


EA Sports recently announced that Old Spice (who has a line of soaps and antiperspirant called "Swagger") is sponsoring a rating in the upcoming Madden NFL 11 video game called a "Swagger" Rating. Its a pretty dumb rating, because it has nothing to do with actual swagger... its just how likely he is to celebrate a touchdown before he gets in the endzone, as opposed to after he scores.

Inspired by this ridiculous inclusion, I've decided to hand out the official swagger ratings for the Angels players, except a REAL swagger rating, not how likely they are to break their leg celebrating a walk-off home run (Kendry Morales - 99).

Its a pretty simple rating system, 0-100. A 0 rating would be, like, Louie Anderson, and a 100 would be Prabhu Deva, from this awesome Indian Music video (please, take the 4 minutes out of your life to watch the greatest music video of all-time).

Mike Napoli - If this were done a few months ago, when he was hitting .120, killing every rally ever, and in danger of losing his job to Ryan Budde, he would be in trouble. But now, he is leading the team in homers, and learned a new position, which he is dominating. Oh, and his walk-up music the second half of last season was "I'm On a Boat"... Rating: 82

Jeff Mathis - If it were possible for a player from the losing team to win ALCS MVP, Mathis was more than deserving. He even continued that awesome play into 2010, however, since returning from his wrist injury, he has been less than stellar. Rating: 56

Bobby Wilson - If you watched "Angels Weekly", like I do, you'd know that this fool's favorite movie is Step Brothers. Not very swag. Rating: 17

First Base:
Napoli - See Above

Kendry Morales - A year ago, he'd probably be in the high 80's, but breaking your leg and missing an entire season on a home run celebration? Its going to take a miracle for his swag to recover. Rating: 63

Second Base:
Howie Kendrick - Having the best season of his career. Is on pace for 100 RBI's, and has hit consistently wherever Mike has needed him to hit. Not to mention his swaggish play at second base is to be reckoned with. However, those Howard's Superstore commercials hurt the Swag. Rating: 74

Eric Aybar - Any swag he has, he stole from Vladimir Guerrero. Rating: 21

Third Base:
Brandon Wood - Grand Slam over the weekend notwithstanding, he has been getting better. But just because hitting .200 is better than hitting .100, doesn't mean he has any swag. Rating: 3

Macier Izturis - He may look like a furry woodland creature, and be roughly 5 feet 2 inches tall, but when you hit something staggering, like .400, with RISP, he clearly has swag. However, when you get hurt once or twice every season, that's not helping with the swag. Rating: 73

Kevin Frandsen - Oh man. Like Reggie-mania in 2007, I've got Frandsen-fever something fierce. He seems to start every rally, and he plays incredibly solid third base. Not to mention he is the only white guy on the team to look like he is a Swag-Monster off the field too. Rating: 89

Torii Hunter - 3-time All-Star, 40 home runs robbed, and like, a billion gold gloves. This guy reeks of Swagger. Even when he played in one of the most swagless state, Minnesota, he still was a force of swag. Also, to have such a silly name like Torii, and still be so awesome? C'mon, its not even fair. Rating: 95

Bobby Abreu - He really has nothing going for him on the swag-meter, other than being a totally solid hitter. He does look like he could make DAMN good Fajitas. Rating: 42

Juan Rivera - He broke his leg playing baseball before it was cool. Hits 20-something homers every year, plays really good defense. However, for the first three months of the season, he is an easy out. April-June Rating: 32, July-September Rating: 67

Reggie Willits - I love Reggie Willits, but I've never seen a pinch runner get thrown out trying to steal, or get picked-off so much. Also, I have as many major league home runs as Reggie does (so do you!). Rating: 23

Hideki Matsui - He can't run, he isn't very good at defense, he looks like a nerd, he listens to far too much Linkin Park, but his nickname is Godzilla, and he lives up to it. For that alone, he has Swag. Rating: 55

Jared Weaver - Started out 9-1 for his career, and still lost his starting job (and major league spot) TWICE to his far inferior older brother, Jeff. Changed his number, changed his hair. He seems like he is trying too hard to have swag. Rating: 48

Joe Saunders - Its hard to say. Sometimes, he goes out there with a cool demeanor, and throws a shutout like its nothing, other times, he gets plastered for 19 runs in 3 innings. However, even when he is winning, he doesn't exactly wear the swag on his shoulder. Rating: 29

Scott Kazmir - When your best days are in Tampa, before Tampa was good, you have a problem. Rating: 23

Ervin Santana - Say what you will about his pitching ability. Dude has the sickest chin-strap in the majors, and reeks of Swag on a daily basis. Rating: 74

Joel Pinero - Joel seems like he had swag in his younger years, but when your whole pitching plan is throwing the ball so guys just ground out, that's not very swag. Rating: 35

Fernando Rodney - Seems like the kind of guy who would have "Thug Life 4 Life" tattooed on his ass. Rating: 81

Scot Shields - Even when he was good, he is just about the least swag guy in baseball. Sucking doesn't help. Rating: 11

Brian Fuentes - Throws about as hard as my sister, and likes to blow saves like he is playing against himself in fantasy. Completely swag-less before, however, his new porno-stache/goatee really helps. Rating: 28

Quick Ratings: Ryan Budde - 7, Robb Quinlan - 12, Kevin Jepsen - 31, Sean O'Sullivan - 23, Matt Palmer - 35, Francisco Rodriguez - 38, Brian Stokes - 5.

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